My Road to Healing
The Realization
“Wish I could say, wish I could say, that this won’t forever. But every day, but every day, it never seems to get better. I hate myself but I don’t want to, I’d ask for help but I’m too strong to. I got some feelings I’ve been fighting, always hiding the truth…”
As I dropped off some friends at the airport, I was found alone in the car listening to these lyrics. And it hit me like a brick wall. All these emotions and feelings I had been holding onto just overwhelmed me, and I started crying. I was a mess, I was starting a new project at work, I was in Texas staying with my in-laws, I was working on a startup that seemed to go nowhere, I was more stressed than I let on even to this day, my wife didn’t even know how bad it was. There were days where I was crippled with lack of sleep and exhaustion. My mental health has never been so bad. I used to think and feel like I could take on anything, that no matter how hard things got I could handle it. In this car ride, it hit me, I was not invincible. I cannot do anything and everything. I have limits. I have needs that need to be addressed.
But this became a turning point for me. The lyric “I hate myself but I don’t want to” struck a chord inside myself. An epiphany of who I was, wasn’t who I wanted to be. What I felt was not what I wanted to feel. I knew I could change and this moment was the start to my change.
The next week, my brother flew to Texas to compete in a half Ironman race. I didn’t quite wrap my head around the amount of time and effort that it took into preparing and then actually racing. My brother had been working his way up towards this goal for almost 9 months. I remember sitting on my in-laws floor just peppering him with questions about training, nutrition, swimming, etc. I was fascinated by the dedication and commitment it takes to complete a half Ironman.
Race day came, but my wife and I had to head back home to Utah so we were unable to watch him compete in person., but Ironman provides a way to watch them on an app. So here I was driving home religiously watching this app to see how he was doing and if he was going to be able to break his goal of 6 hours. I sat there and watched for 6 hours seeing if he was on pace and praying for him to make it happen. I was inspired he could accomplish such a great feat. He finished and I got emotional seeing that he did it, he set and accomplished his goal. I knew right there, I wanted to do it. I wanted to compete in a half Ironman. I wanted to put my body to the test and I wanted to prove to myself that I can do hard things, I can be disciplined.
But I didn’t think I would ever be able to even fathom a half Ironman, the distances were too long, I didn’t own a bike, I didn’t even know how to swim. It was an impossible mountain from my viewpoint. Instead, I decided to test the triathlon waters with a sprint tri in March of 2022. This was my goal, just finish and not drown.
The Regime
I returned to Utah and the first thing I did was purchase my sprint triathlon reservation. I started to go to the gym regularly. For me, this meant to lift weights 4–5 days a week. This was a big improvement because before I was never going to the gym and always feeling sorry for myself that I was fat and out of shape. In just a few short months, I was starting to see considerable gains, I could see my pecs for the first time since I got married, my legs started to be more defined, and I lost about 10 lbs. This lasted until about Christmas when I decided I wanted to not only do a sprint triathlon but a full marathon. I signed up for my marathon the first few weeks of January. My plan was clear now -> running 2–3 times a week to begin marathon training, biking 2 times a week, and swimming 2 times a week. This would set me up to compete well in my sprint triathlon while preparing for the bigger giant of the marathon.
Only problem was, I didn’t know how to swim. I did not know how to breathe while swimming, I can use my arms fine, but actually getting oxygen to my lungs seemed impossible. I got into the pool probably 7 times trying to understand and practice breathing out my nose or mouth, while my head was in the water and gasping for breath as I turned my head. I would do about 15 yards before I was so out of breath or swallowing water I needed to stand up, calm down, and catch my breath. There were numerous times I almost gave up even trying. Let me tell you, if you go to the pool and try to swim for 30 minutes and only swim 150 yards, it is very discouraging. I saw this obstacle as something insurmountable, I really didn’t think I was going to be able to learn, it was that hard for me. But I kept trying and one day I was able to swim one lap and it felt natural. I got in a nice rhythm with my breathing and I thought to myself this is amazing. But after the one perfect lap, that rhythm escaped me. I was back to where I was before, struggling. The next time, I was able to string a couple of good laps together, and one day it clicked and I went from having swam 300 yards at most in a day to 1800 yards. Something clicked and I haven’t looked back since. This impossible feat was overcome. This alone was a moment where I knew I could do it, I could do anything. In life, we hit these barriers when we try new things, where things are tough and we can’t quite grasp it for some reason, but as we continue to push those barriers we reach a point where we have a breakthrough and after the world opens up and what seemed impossible before clicks. This was swimming for me.
The Results
Training continued until it was time for me to actually drive to Arizona and compete in my sprint triathlon. This was a crowning moment for me. All the hard work I had put in to learn how to swim, clip in and out of a bike, and go through transitions came together in this one race. I had never swam in a pool with any other person before the race. Well this specific competition was a pool swim where you had to get out and jump back in, in other words it was straight chaos. In just the 8 or so lanes we used there were easily over 50 people in the pool at a time. I got in and started swimming assuming that I would be about the same pace as everyone else, but I was actually quite a bit faster and had to handle people kicking me, swimming under people, and all sorts of nonsense. The swim was hard but I made it through at a decent time. The bike was tough, we had a three lap loop. The first lap I was tired and my legs seemed very heavy. I didn’t think I was going to be able to hit my goal time of 45 minutes because I was just not really feeling it. But then I am cruising down a hill and this guy passes me and says something to me, I thought it was my brother passing me a lap and a half in. This motivated me to start picking up the pace because I was not going to be a wimp and have him show me up like that. Found out after it wasn’t him, but it was the motivation I needed to push myself to actually have a decent time on the bike. Finished up biking and started the run. My heart rate was elevated for the first mile until I settled in. I ended up running an 8 minute mile which was unheard of for me, and finished the run off pretty strong to finish with a time just under 1:30:00! This was a huge accomplishment for me. This was months of hard work, months of mentally healing, and a moment where I felt whole.
Looking back on those 6 months of training, I realized a few takeaways I want to share. Because my story above is a cool story this highlights a lot of the physical achievements, but I achieved so much more. My mental health improved dramatically through exercise and prioritizing time with my family. I learned quickly you can’t take on the world without taking care of yourself. Eating habits and diet make a huge difference in how you feel. Thanks to my wonderful wife, Meghan, we are eating healthier meals which has given me more energy and an overall better health as I have lost about 20 lbs now. Setting goals will push you to do the impossible. I thought swimming was impossible, but I made a goal and made it happen. We set our own restraints, rather than taking the easy way, find a way to push the boundaries of what you thought was possible. I promise you will not regret it. Don’t compare yourself to others, only to who you were yesterday. Improve each day and you will look back and see miracles. In only a few months, I have completely transformed myself. I am happier, I am healthier, I am myself.
If you don’t like where you are at in life, change it. Self pity won’t get you anywhere good, take charge, you can do it. I wasn’t doing it 6 months ago, but after a lot of work with tons of support, I have never been in a better spot. Find joy in your journey.
Thank you Ryan for inspiring me that day in October to change who I was and to push myself to heights I never thought were imaginable. You will never know what that meant to me so thank you.
Next for me is a half marathon, then a marathon.
This is why I talk about wanting to do Waco 70.3. It was this time last October, I committed to changing myself. This would bring things full circle, the culmination of all this work to complete a feat deemed impossible by me only a short period ago. Maybe I am just crazy enough to do it.
